An Uncertain and Grim 'Goodbye': an account of what was said...

"I'm breaking down-- without a doubt, I need you now; 

But, by all means, don't fake it on my account.

Don't say 'goodbye' on my account!

"I just want the truth, without the cloud-- Just tell me now!

I want to hear how it sounds-- to be somewhere without a doubt.

So, leave me here, so I might be found;

 Leave me be on this solid ground.

 "Let no one know of the place where I go...

 I wish not my enemies such feelings like so.

 Close my eyes, and imagine my demise;

 You say it's not wise to trust in such lies.

 "Forget the season!-- I'm through with playing this part;

Can't find a reason-- I'm so deep in the dark;

Can't stop the bleeding-- my wings have fallen apart;

  Somewhere I've lost the key to my own heart.

"Expectations are not what they used to be...

I've been blinded by what I haven't seen.

Now, I'm tired of playing make-believe-- With you 

Inside my dreams: staring Fairy-tale Me. 

The Fall of a Cynic

I don't fall very easily-
  I was taught to guard my heart keenfully.
The ones I attract normally come after me... but maybe that's just because I'm not the kind to be...searching
      
       I have never tried to find love.
       I have always felt enough.

I've always known I will want that someday- but it has always felt so far away.
Even when its sitting next to me... I can't bring myself to believe.

      I have been made a cynic of love.

Not that I don't believe it exists...            certainlly it does! 
     I have simply found it ridiculous (and discouraging) to see such an item made out of something that is suppossed to be exclusive.
    I feel guilty when I consider letting such an emotion to contradict what I have always stood beside; and when I let it interfere, or rather, intervene in my thoughts.
   Some days I wish I could just let go of this responsibility....
  and other days I am thankful that I do not have to go through unnecessary pain.
   I crave experience, yet I do not wish to give into my selfish flesh...
                           I want to be strong.

   I know for a fact that God wants us to love... and that he created us with the desire of connecting with other human beings. But I also know that such a beautiful thing as love can be deadly when  the lust for one another is what keeps such feelings going...

  I have waited for love because I know it won't truely work as long as I put my confidence in my own means of stability.
And I know that I am most definitely not stable on my own!

  The tricky part is giving up my agenda and trusting that God knows my deepest desires and that he knows exactally what he has for me.

  I will let down my boundaries that I have put up for myself once I place all of my security in the Lord of my life. 

  Now, as I entertain the idea of experiencing such a relationship,
I no longer feel guilty as let myself fall.
I don't feel weak as I let my guard down...
  

Among the Living~ a lighthearted contemplation of my fish....

    Today, after cleaning out his tank, I found myself talking to my Beta Fish—

PeriAquaKillian. I was mostly asserting his beauty (even though most of it has faded) but 

I was also thanking him for being so brave. Brave enough to be all alone in his cube, 

aside from his three rocks, and deal with my problems—on top of his own! We are 

codependent, my fish and I. I shower him with words of encouragement and the 

occasional bath (both of which I am convinced have contributed to his lifespan) and he is 

there for me—a constant reminder and a humble teacher. He is always willing to 

emerge from his little terrain to assist me with my latest woes. I believe God wanted me 

to have this fish for a reason.

    One might argue that a fish is less of a “pet” than, say, a cat or a dog (maybe on 

the account that it can be rather difficult to physically pet a fish)… but I’d like to say that 

such a standard is inappropriate. Rather then flaunting a flashy routine of tricks, a fish is 

perhaps the most disciplined of listeners. They show their love (or loyalty… 

whatever…) through their ability to listen; in comparison to a dog who might show such 

affection by physical means... Today, during our conversation, Peri did most of the 

listening; which concerned me because, unlike most fish, he normally has something to 

say about everything.

   I believe God endowed each of his creations with their own bit of relevant

wisdom; and each of our bits come together like a puzzle. In the end, the puzzle reveals 

Truth—what else could God’s puzzle possibly be?! Peri’s bit of wisdom deals with 

Matthew 6:25, which essentially says that tomorrow is not promised. I’ve noticed I have 

felt extra sensitive to loss recently. Mainly because of my grandparents increasing age—

but I also find myself feeling concerned for all of those close to me (mostly not for their 

sake, but rather, my own). While I was peering into quarters of my fading fish, I felt a 

similar fear. Peri became a part of our family my freshmen year of high school, when my 

father bought him for me on a whim—that was 3 years ago and according to the man at 

the Mountain Nursery, Beta’s have a lifespan of 2-3 years. I found myself on the verge 

of tears (which I would say is an odd reaction toward a pet fish) thinking of how our 

time together is thinning and how each day he is nearing the end of his span of life. 

Then Peri reminded of all the other times he grew a sickly pale color and I feared the 

inevitable flush noise of a funeral residing in the next morning. I was never promised 

that I would have PeriAquaKillian throughout all of my high school years, neither has 

there ever been a definite warranty of “2-3 years”. The presumption of assured life is an 

overrated and a foolish science for those who attempt to estimate its boundaries.

     Funny enough, I find myself thanking the Lord every time I knock on his cube 

and the little opossum stirs. Peri has helped me realize that I don’t believe in lifespan 

warranties one bit—who says my Peri can’t outlive myself? Well, maybe a lot of people 

say that… but surely the Lord of the entire universe can prolong a fish’s life as much as he 

can prolong such a great tree as a Sequoia, or let alone, the United States of America.

A Picture is Worth...

Pictures of who they used to be--

Did they realize who and what they would become?

 Did they want to become who they are now? 

Raised upon vanity. 

Snapshots of how things used to be.

 Those people in the pictures, bare a different struggle then they do now;

 A struggle which might, otherwise, have been forgotten. 

But now, the happiest- perhaps feigned- moment is preserved; 

For all to see. 

For all to envy. 

For all to remember.

    If every picture was captioned by both, the person in the picture, and the person who took the picture... 

What might such insight reveal? 

In one case, the photographer might've insisted on taking such a snapshot;

In another, one might've begged a stranger to help them preserve a moment in time--

 A moment, in which, is soon contaminated by two little words:

 "Say Cheese".

Disappointing Mentos

            A summer of disappointment. Not really, but that is what is has it has been dubbed. Reunited with my other half, My cousin and I were determined to make the best of our short amount of time together. So focused on everything going according to plan- anything that fell short or that got in our way or wasted our precious time together in general, was labeled after the first shortcoming- the Mentos.

The Mentos were a spur-of-the-moment purchase in a Wal-Mart check-out line. I had first purchased some before boarding the airplane and was so impressed by the strawberry flavor, that I had share the experience. We were feeling slightly deprived after leaving a gluten-intolerant relative’s house and we decided to splurge. Our very own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory moment… Together we tore open the cylinder of wrapped candy and to our dismay there was only one pink candy in the whole lot!

 It almost became a lottery to us. We would each take turns buying the aluminum wrapped cylinders only to find that it followed a disappointing trend. Now, whenever something odd came up, we knew the source of abnormality had to have something to do with the pink candy conspiracy.

Our summer was obviously not really disappointing by any means. In fact, it really should be titled ‘A summer of independence’ as it was the first summer in which my cousin had her driver’s license. Our first summer together that we could be free. Well as free as a freshman and junior in high school can be… Relatively free. Without such freedom, there would’ve been no Mentos, or more importantly, no room for our proclaimed disappointment.

Inevitable Process

Packed green minivan and an empty brick house with a green door. Empty. Aside from teddy bear picnics and flower fairies which occupy rooms. Rooms filled with playtime and timeout memories alike. Heartbreaking farewells. “Hug me tight Muv, I don’t know when I’ll get to see you again. I don’t know about this California and I’m a little afraid.”

On the road, off to my new home.

Years later, I return to the brick house with the green door. Only this wasn’t the same house. The familiar screeching sound of a play set was gone. Along with the red-fruited plants I recall my mother pruning and sending my sister and me off to pick.

But the most impacting change… The once colorful and detailed friends of my childhood were painted over. White. Blank. My sister’s fairies left as well. I suppose they got lonely and decided to go find a new child to care for. I miss them. But I know now that it would’ve been impossible for me to stay with them forever. My inevitable departure merely sped up the process. The process of their loneliness and my growing up.

Bad Days and Donkeys

         Bad days come and go. Most of them we can’t even recall. I remember a day like that from a few years ago; however, it’s not the bad that I recall the most. Rather, the lesson which I learned from it.        

It was one of those days. Every little thing was against me and I was on the verge of tears. Numerous Anxieties wore at my body as my mother walked me up to the receptionist in order to explain my tardiness. Before we could enter the building, I impulsively grabbed my mother’s arm and broke down into tears. My mother. My caring and completely understanding, mother, stood with me silently. Our silent conversation was soon interrupted by a man, one with the most outstandingly ridiculous looking mustache, who walked out of the building with his son. The mustache is not what threw me off however… it was the fact that this man was wearing a donkey costume! You could tell he felt slightly awkward, as if he had just walked into someone else’s house. I would like to think that my obvious crocodile tears were what provoked him to break the silence, “I bet you’re wondering why I am dressed like an ass…” The silence was shattered and all of my troubles of that day melted away with our laughter.

       I can’t recall exactly what my poor freshman self could’ve been going through that day but I do recall my father’s words to me from earlier that morning. Before the mustached donkey man brought me back down to earth, I had forgotten that I had written those words of wisdom down on paper and had stashed them in my pocket:

"There are 2 rules in life...                                        #1 Don't sweat the small stuff.   
                              #2 Everything is a small thing”

Refined

        

   I once heard the interesting fact of the Great Trees of California. The pine-cones of such a tree must first be set on fire.

 After an intentional scorching, seeds are released and the ones that are not harmed are free to begin in joining their relatives in the sky.

   The distant streaks of light I saw the night before ended up being closer to me than I thought.  The light spread across the mountain. The glowing menace threatened my life as I knew it to be. In searching for “necessary” items to rescue, I found my true treasures. These treasures could not be physically incinerated by fire.  They were revealed, like the great seeds, in the midst of the blaze.

Do Re Mi

On the days where I simply give up with words, 

I consult with the black and white keys and I converse with the strings. 

I wish we could all speak with music. 

Things would be less complicated.

 Pure emotion. 

Not a harmful or hurtful thing would be uttered.

Then again, neither would compliments or encouraging words.

 Or maybe they would be.

 Maybe they would find a way. 

Both extremes seem to always be able to be heard. 

The keys, the strings, the pure hollow sound. 

Music to my ears, music to my mouth.

The Last One

I was the last one to play the now-charred black and white keys. No tune will ever emerge from it ever again.

I was the last one to open the door to a room filled with several things: couches and a catalog-covered coffee table, a mountain of coats in the corner next to a piano.

I was the last one to walk across the partially spotted carpet. A floor with an explanation or story for each stain.

I was the last. Who am I to deserve this claim?

They were not my coats. They were not my memories. It was not my piano.

It was not my fault. Although, I cannot help the feeling of ‘what if?’.

Flashing lights and questions.

An empty coat rack. As if it were winter and every member of the family was using their winters best to fight off the bitter cold.

This bitterness, however, could not be avoided. The reality was as real as it could be.

No blame was placed, but instead, the family rises above the ashes. Refusing to let reality’s disease to leave them bitter. Not alone, but together. A combination of their memories is all that remains. And I know… I am not the last one.

The Silent Ruler of My Nights

The silent ruler of my nights. 

“I’ll do it tomorrow.” 

Tomorrow is where it thrives. 

Where the harvest of this vicious cycle is reaped.

 And yet, with my full awareness, I let it begin again.

 The Tomorrow Me can deal with it.

 How much more can my future self, handle? 

This disease of time-wasting ironically might be my most productive state.

 It is amazing what our minds come up with while avoiding, perhaps, an even less daunting task. 

“If I could just solve this unrelenting paradox…”

Time. 

The worst enemy of those who fall victim. 

And yet, if allowed more extra, the results would probably not change.

 The real danger is Perspective Perception. 

Tomorrow Me will always seem more willing than Today Me… Tomorrow Me, however, could not disagree more! 

Today Me’s biggest regret is Yesterday Me’s decision to allow Time to approach Tomorrow Me’s duty. 

Restless Heart

Seasons changing. People fading. Dreams are crashing down.

 Top of the world has never seemed so close, until your back on the ground. 

Words unspoken haunt the hopeless. Tears are falling down. 

Back to the start with your restless heart, let’s try to get higher now.

Well enough has been said and you’re tired of regret.

 Where do you go and how?

I can’t live with this mentality for sure it will get the best of me.

 I’ll waste away and never change, starving for a better day.

 I choose to live this new reality. The one with Your love inside of me. 

The one where I choose to lose control, and trust in You that You won’t let go.

Easier said than done. I can’t even see this love.

 I heard You were the one.

 Where are You now? 

You’re not lost, You just haven’t been found. 

And by these negative thoughts I am easily bound.

 Set me free. Make me new. Open up my heart to You.