The Fall of a Cynic

I don't fall very easily-
  I was taught to guard my heart keenfully.
The ones I attract normally come after me... but maybe that's just because I'm not the kind to be...searching
      
       I have never tried to find love.
       I have always felt enough.

I've always known I will want that someday- but it has always felt so far away.
Even when its sitting next to me... I can't bring myself to believe.

      I have been made a cynic of love.

Not that I don't believe it exists...            certainlly it does! 
     I have simply found it ridiculous (and discouraging) to see such an item made out of something that is suppossed to be exclusive.
    I feel guilty when I consider letting such an emotion to contradict what I have always stood beside; and when I let it interfere, or rather, intervene in my thoughts.
   Some days I wish I could just let go of this responsibility....
  and other days I am thankful that I do not have to go through unnecessary pain.
   I crave experience, yet I do not wish to give into my selfish flesh...
                           I want to be strong.

   I know for a fact that God wants us to love... and that he created us with the desire of connecting with other human beings. But I also know that such a beautiful thing as love can be deadly when  the lust for one another is what keeps such feelings going...

  I have waited for love because I know it won't truely work as long as I put my confidence in my own means of stability.
And I know that I am most definitely not stable on my own!

  The tricky part is giving up my agenda and trusting that God knows my deepest desires and that he knows exactally what he has for me.

  I will let down my boundaries that I have put up for myself once I place all of my security in the Lord of my life. 

  Now, as I entertain the idea of experiencing such a relationship,
I no longer feel guilty as let myself fall.
I don't feel weak as I let my guard down...